Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
