Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
