I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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