I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
