I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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