my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
