you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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