i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
