My first STD was from a foam party
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
