my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I need a burrito and a hug.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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