Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
