Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
