i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize