Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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