Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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