So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
