you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
