last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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