How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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