Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Randomize
