Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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