Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
