Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
