Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
