I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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