Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
