I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
