my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I AM VODKA MAN
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
