im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize