someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
