you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
