you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
