I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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