Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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