I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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