Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
