he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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