I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
