I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
