My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
