Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
