HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
