We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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