Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
the gays at disneyland are vicious
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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