The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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