I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
