Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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