I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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