security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
