You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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