Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
