I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
