Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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