Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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