Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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