So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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