I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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