It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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